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goat97
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Name: The Goat
Country: United States
State: Texas
Birthday: 6/6/1975
Gender: Male
Interests: Rockin' out, stuff, cool stuff, X-Box, anything with Star Wars in the title, Five Iron Frenzy (RIP), my neato wife, my 2 spare dogs, WHAT'S UP CORNERSTONE!!!!!!!!!!, and long walks on the beach (giggle).
Expertise: Keepin' it Real. Keepin' it on the DL (down-low).
Occupation: Other
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/26/2004
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| I've always kicked around the idea of getting a tattoo, but never really had the nerve. Two summers ago, Samantha wouldn't jump off of the zip line on a youth trip, so Mel told her if she would, then I could get a tattoo. Then the idea really took off.
I decided that I would get one on my birthday (last June), but we couldn't find a babysitter. That probably means you shouldn't get a tattoo, but it's better than the alternative. But that's a story for later in the note. It kept getting put off until last weekend when Mel was going to be gone and she said I should get a sitter and get it done while she's gone. (That's why I love her) That plan fell apart. And then this weekend there was no turning back.
I decided to get a Captain America shield. Don't judge me. First off, it takes me back to my childhood. I was, and obviously still am, a comic book nerd. It takes me to a time of innocence. "The last great symbol of my youth," if you will. Captain America symbolized everything that was good. He always did the right thing. Some superheroes wade into these waters of right and wrong and made poor decisions. Not Captain America. He was always above reproach. He was able to be black and white in a gray world. I see Messianic implications, but I'm a big dork.
When people heard what I was doing and what I was getting, I had some interesting responses. Ryan's grandma, "What are you, 10?" Another nice lady, "Well, I guess you're old enough."
I wasn't really that nervous until I sat in the chair. Then I had to look around and ask myself if I really knew what I was getting myself into. Tattoo parlors are AMAZING for people watching. There were several people that wandered in off the street. Pretty sure that they wanted a tattoo, but they had no idea what they wanted to get. This baffles me.
When I first sat down, the first thing he asked me was, "So what's your next one going to be."
There was a family that came in with 3 kids. The kids were between the ages of 4 and 8. At least two of them were in their pajamas already. And this family REALLY stank. By the time we left, there were 2 other families there with kids. Simply amazing.
After the guy had been working on me a while, I asked him to amaze me with some crazy tattoo stories. He told us that 2 weeks ago he tattooed a ladies woman's labia. If you don't know what a labia is, go ask your parents. But DON'T tell them that The Goat sent you.
She had her husband/gentlemen caller's initials tattooed in that most intimate of areas. She told him that it didn't hurt. I don't even know what that means. She must not have understood the question. He said the tattoo was difficult because he hadn't gotten "any" in two months. Based on his appearance, I don't think he meant he had not gotten any tattoos. So I'm not sure what he meant.
He said that's nothing compared to tattooing the male equivalent of the body (from here forward, it will be referred to as The Unit). He told us that he had tattooed 3 labias and 2 Units. He said he charges $400 for a handling fee when dealing with a Unit, before they even start talking charges for the design. The amount of grief he gets around the office is barely worth it. He's decorated two Unit's. One had his wife/lady-caller's name with an apostrophe S. The other one had a scorpion tail on it, with the stinger on the...end.
Which leads me to the conclusion that people's private parts will be the end of our civilization.
In the end, it turned out great. My cool factor has now shot through the roof. Or was that my dork factor? I'm never really sure, but Mel just keeps rolling her eyes.
 
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| A couple of weeks ago we were driving home from Freebirds (mmmm) and as we turned into our neighborhood we saw a car driving way too fast. As we got closer to the house where the car came from, we saw a guy laying in the gutter. I slowed down to see what was wrong and we could hear him yelling.
I jumped out of the car and asked him if he was ok and he said his wife had just run him over. The guy was Asian and looked about 40. I started to call 911 and he told me to go to the house and get his mom. I started ringing the door bell with one hand and called 911 with the other.
Nobody came to the door so I ran back to the street to find out what he wanted me to do. He kept yelling at me to get his mom. So I ran back to the house, let Mel handle 911 and started banging on the door....as if there were a man nearly dead in the street.
Finally, a guy (about 18 years old) came to the door. I told him that there was a guy in the street who said his wife ran over him and I need to get his mom. The guy grabs my arm and pulls me in the house and starts yelling something in...Vietnamese?
I pulled my arm away from him and tried to explain to him that I would go with him, but let's not drag a total stranger into your house.
A lady came around the corner and I told her about the guy in the street. About 10 people started coming from all parts of the house, yelling in Vietnamese (?) and everyone ran outside. Mel handed the phone to me and drove Jake home. The guy in the gutter is yelling and screaming in Vietnamese, but we figure out that his legs aren't broken and his right arm is ok, but he can't move his left arm.
The 911 operator asked me if the wife who hit him has any weapons in the car. The family said yes. I asked if they had any weapons in the home where she was going. Again, yes.
The fire department showed up, followed closely by the ambulance. The police showed up and wanted to take my statement since we were the first ones on the scene.
Here's what we pieced together. The husband and wife were having a fight (about money) and decided to leave. She ran out the door after him and beat him to the car. I don't know if she meant to hit him, or if he got clipped as she drove off, but it obviously got pretty crazy.
When the police officer saw a photo of the husband and wife he said, "Yeah, we've dealt with them before."
Mel recognized one of the ladies in the house from school, so we got a health update. In the end, nothing was broken.
Drive Safe America
The Goat | | |
| We're doing a series at church called '30 Days to Live.' One of the assignments is to make a list of things you would want to do if you knew you were going to die in 30 days. It can be kind of morbid and depressing, but it's making me prioritize.
So here's my list (and I plan to amend it as time goes on)-
Spend as much time with my wife and son as possible. This is what troubles me the most. I would want to record every thought and memory I could think of to share with Jakey. There's a movie called 'My Life' where Michael Keaton gets cancer and his wife is pregnant, so he video records all the important life lessons. Like how to shave, open the car door for your lady friend, etc. I would do a lot of these. Most of them would be about how awesome Star Wars is.
Go to Amarillo and Kansas to say goodbye.
Go skiing.
Go streaking.
Stop eating vegetables.
I want to take Mel to Italy (specifically the Sistine Chapel).
Do this ( THIS ). It's like sky-diving on crack.
Ride a bull.
Run with the bulls.
Go to Cornerstone on last time (I guess my last month would have to be June/July, but whatever)
Get a mohawk.
I have several relationships that I need to tidy up. I haven't spoken to them in years and I want to make sure everything is groovy.
Throw a really big party. All loved ones will be invited. I don't have all the details worked out yet, but it would have these important elements... A pool, super-hero costumes, a petting zoo (for Traci), crowd surfing, a clown making balloon animals, fireworks, an ice cream buffet, a bounce house, a slip 'n slide, a bonfire,s'mores, The Nelson Game (that's the hardest I've laughed in years) and a ferris wheel. It will end with a slumber party because that's how all good parties end. And then we'll wake up with mom making waffles.
That's a good start. I'll add more when I think of them.
Oh and when I die...Viking funeral.
Edit-
I want lots of sweet tattoos
I would eat desert first.
Viking Funeral- You put the dead body in a boat. Light the boat on fire and push it out to sea. | | |
| Some highlights and low lights of my week.
Most embarrassing- On Friday I took J-Train to Krispy Kreme for a nutritious and well-balanced breakfast. As we were walking in, a man and his son walked in ahead of us and got in line. We figured out what we wanted, but they were taking a LONG time (it's donuts people!). The lady behind the register looked at us and said, "Can I help you?"
Politely I responded, "Oh, I think he was here first."
Then the dude beside me said, "We're still looking."....IN A HIGH PITCHED VOICE!!!!! I looked right at him/her and it turns out it was a lady...person. You would have no way of knowing unless you looked right into her(?) eyes, because all other cues pointed to this individual being a dude.
I was totally embarrassed, but at the same time a little defensive because she WAS NOT making it easy for anybody.
The lady behind the counter just had a S-eating grin the whole time because she saw me look like Super-Jerk.
On Saturdays I let Mel sleep in while I wrangle J-train. Late in the morning he brought me a package of M&M's and said he wanted some candy. I pointed out to him that we have to eat breakfast first. I dug through the kitchen looking for breakfast options and he settled for donuts! (Krispy Kreme left overs)
I set him at the table and took about 5 steps away and he asked for some candy again.
I said, "Wait a minute, what did you do with the donut?"
J-"I ate it."
Goat- "How many bites did you take?"
J- "One"
Goat- "Then what did you do with it?"
J- "I threw it away."
Goat- "J, you have to eat your donut before you can eat your candy."
Now you can hear giggling from Mel upstairs.
That's me REALLY drawing the hard line.
Who would win in a fight between Chewbacca and Yoda?
Go Star Wars
The Goat
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